Sassy Gay Friend has a word with Rita from Jab Jab Phool Khile

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the real Sassy Gay Friend on the Second City Network!)

Meet Rita from 1965's golden jubilee* blockbuster Jab Jab Phool Khile.

She is about to run off with a man who shares none of her values and with whom she has neither mutual culture nor life experiences in common. However, he looks like Shashi Kapoor, which must be admitted as a mitigating and/or complicating factor.

This fate could have been avoided if she'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.

Bombay Central Station. Rita is wearing a red evening gown and diamonds and running wildly down the platform towards a train bound for Kashmir. Her face is a wreck from crying. Sassy Gay Friend, sitting on a bench and hiding behind a Life Magazine, hears her cries and looks up.

RITA (looking frantic) 

Raaaaaajaaaaaaa! Raaaaaajaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

SASSY GAY FRIEND

Puts sunglasses on top of head, springs up off the bench, and strides deliberately towards Rita with his hand extended in "Stop! In the Name of Love!" gesture.

What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?

RITA (sniffling and wiping her eyes with a hanky)

Raja left me at my dad's party! 

SGF (aghast)

He what? Oh no he didn't!

RITA

He did! He was singing so beautifully about being a stranger—although also an Indian...you know, sometimes I just don't understand him at all....

SGF (interrupting)

Oh honey, nobody does. 

RITA

The next thing I know, he up and vanished!

SGF 

God, what, was he raised in a barn? 

RITA

I think it was a houseboat. 

SGF (rolling his eyes)

Whatever. So you're chasing after him? 

RITA
Yes, I love...

SGF
You love him? This is Raja we're talking about. From Kashmir. Kashmir.

RITA (wistful)
It's so pretty there.

SGF
Honey, their most famous export is goats.

RITA

But he's...

SGF 

The love of your life? 

RITA (confused)
I...

SGF (getting worked up)

I mean seriously, Ri-ri, he can't dance, he can't read, he can't even dress himself. What do you honestly think you're going to do with a boy like that?

RITA (calming down)

He is a little difficult to introduce to my friends...

SGF
Exactly. And he's so judgmental. Like it's your fault that women are going to university and jet planes fill the skies.

RITA (giggles)

And he's a disaster on the city streets. He can't even bear to see a woman who isn't me, so he's always averting his gaze and bumping into people.

SGF
You can't take him anywhere, can you?

Pauses and raises one eyebrow at Rita and leans in, as if to hear a secret.

But spill it, girlfriend. You totally let him cuddle your lambs, didn't you?

RITA (blushing)
Welllll, he doesn't hate everything about modern values.

Feigns shock, swats at Rita's arm.

I KNEW IT! You big slut! GOOD FOR YOU! I don't blame you one little bit. He's so innocent I could just eat him right up.

Taking Rita's tiara and putting it on his own head.

Well, you're better off without him. Nobody pulls that hypocritical "seedha-saadha Hindustani ladka who still likes to spy on you dancing in your nightgown" shit on my watch. Girl, let's get out of here. 

They link arms and march triumphantly onto the bustling city streets.

Oh and PS, this is the best your hair has ever looked! You have got to tell me what hairspray you use. Anything that can hold up to Bombay heat and humidity and a dramatic run through the train station and a hefty dose of emotional atyachar  is more precious than the mai tais we're about to drown in.

Cut to a tiki bar, where Rita and Sassy Gay Friend clink glasses topped with pineapple wedges and paper umbrellas as the colored lights glint off their diamonds.

SGF (smiling, head cocked to one side)

She really is a stupid bitch.

* 50 weeks. People went to the cinemas to see this for FIFTY WEEKS. The mind, it boggles.