so much of awful movies: Jaani Dushman, Kismat, and Dhund: The Fog

Stunned. Stunned by badness.

About a year ago I promised myself that I would write something about every Bollywood movie I watched. And I think those four words will do the trick for these movies.

No, okay, I'll give them a bit more. Jaani Dushman was every bit as bad as I had been promised - by Army of Monkeys and Fireball, for example - and I laughed and laughed and laughed. I can't imagine I could say anything original about this one, so I will limit myself to one comment, which is less difficult to do than it would be if I had taken screen captures of it, which I didn't. Wouldn't you think that, by the time he heard that his character would have already been pulverized and in a coma and then he had to fight some cursed snake/shape-shifter guy underwater with a knife sticking out of him, Akshay Kumar would have put the script down, turned to the producers, and said "No. No, I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to do it. I'm Akshay Kumar and you need me more than I need you, and I'm just not going to do this"?

As you may remember, I watched this movie in exchange for making Army of Monkeys watch Disco Dancer, and I think my end of the bargain has been more than filled.

Next was Kismat. I've already forgotten most of this - completely unmemorable. I will say Bobby Deol did a much, much better job dancing here than he did in Humraaz and that finally I have seen the source of that ubiquitous picture of Priyanka in the lace-up pants.

I award these pants the prize for Worst Pants (Female) in Bollywood, and I hope some costume designer will pair them with Shahid's lace-up rope-swinging shirt.

Finally, Dhund: The Fog, which I'm told is a remake of I Know What You Did Last Summer, which I haven't seen. You'll notice a real lack of "scary" movies on this website, and that's because I startle extremely easily, so easily that I jumped, shrieked, and turned to hide my face in the sofa when the bad guy rose from the dead and sneaked up on one of our heroines even though I am not so stupid as not to realize he was going to do it. This movie has the most contrived "let's wrap this up with whatever characters we already have but give no thought to any kind of sense or existing plot points" ending I have ever seen, but it did indeed tie everything up tidily. Gad.

And in closing: I watched all three of these - and one more, which I'll talk about later - in less than 48 hours. Where's my medal?


Movie Mazaa said…

I have always wanted to ask u this. How do u decide that u r gonna watch a hindi film? [That is, if it doesnt star Akshaye, ofcourse.:D]
Aparna said…
You deserve a medal....but next time, get a second opinion before you dive into movies like this...I don't want this blog to face an abrupt end, because the author happened to watch such grotesque movies :)
Anarchivist said…
Believe it or not, "Dhund: the Fog" was the second Bollywood movie I ever saw. (The first: "Partner." I've come a long way).

"Stunned by badness" describes it well. However, this is the movie that introduced me to the wonder that is Irfan. Irrfan. Whichever. He's my new teen idol. People who've seen both "Dhund" (where he looked absolutely, unrelentingly hideous) and "The Namesake" (where he looked fine), ask me HOW? How did you know, based on THAT?

Okay, that's only two people I know personally. Nonetheless, I have no answer for them. It must be the years of watching really bad horror movies, that I can spot who stands out in the crowd...
Oh my god. You saw Partner first and kept going? Woweeee! That medal belongs to you, clearly!

My jaw hit the ground when you said Irfan was in this. I have no memory of it whatsoever - and I think this this must have been my first viewing of him ever (and just as unfortunate as first seeing Shashi in Commando). You've got quite the trained eye!
Anarchivist said…
The Army of Monkeys site has some truly fabulous horrible screenshots of Irfan in their Dhund review. The greasy hair! The terrible goatee! Just talking about it almost makes me want to see it again...But I'm not that crazy.

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